Sunday, January 23, 2011

A small dose of honesty

Yesterday started out brilliantly.  Woke up at a decent non-slackerish time, 9am, got dressed in an outfit that expressed my creative mood for the day, and met two of my favorite people to dream with for coffee and homemade banana nut bread.  Can't get better than that?  Well you can in my book, you can hit up an awesome garage sale!  And thats just what the 3 of us did to close out our hangout.  Dana and I sat and talked to the host of the sale and found out they are the real life version of "Storage Wars'' - my newest tv show addiction.  Incase you haven't seen it, there's a world of people who go to auctions located inside of storage facilities and the highest bidder wins a filled storage unit whose owner has lapsed on their payments.  Anyways, it gave Dana and I an awesome new contact for our 'design business' we have hopes of launching. We were filled with inspiration and excitement as we both drove away, calling each other several times to throw out dreams and ideas.

I left our creative hangout and drove to Garland where a great friend of mine was performing/speaking on the Revolve tour.  This would be the first time I had seen her perform on this stage and was excited to support her!  As I entered the arena, yes arena, filled with... my guess 5,000+ tweens...the rush of my days back at Student Life hit me.  I was loaded with excitement and anticipation as I made my way to our front row seats where I was joining up with her husband and some other close friends.  It was a trip down memory lane when I ran into several people from my old SL teams who are now on the Revolve tour running lights, sound, backstage managing, etc.  As we sat and talked the next session started up featuring Hawk Nelson.  They put on an awesome show, especially when you're experiencing the energy of that many screaming teenage girls.  My friend came out to say a quick hello before returning backstage to run her lines and get in the zone.  As she walked on stage the crowd roared and only testified to how strongly the girls in the audience have connected with her over 3 years.  But it wasn't a 'you're a rockstar' attention, it was a 'you make me feel valued and encouraged by your life' type of applause.  As I watched her over the next 4 hours I was beaming with pride as she nailed her elements, even when flubbing her lines...I've never met someone who comes across as lovable and fun on stage, so a flubbed line only adds to her charm!  Thats hard to do!  The stories she told were inspiring, especially her adventures of traveling the country for 5 months in an RV with her hubby to raise money for school backpacks in Rwanda.  The day ended with an autograph session where she was able to meet the girls one on one.  These kids follow her on twitter and facebook, so meeting her is such a treat as I know the type of encouragement she offers them on a daily basis.  The afternoon was coming to a close and her and our posse strolled backstage, and here's where the honesty part kicks in, I started to get jealous.  As we made our way out to the car, travel bags in hand, I found myself becoming crippled with self doubt, life insecurity, and frustration in myself for not succeeding at this level!  We said our goodbyes, and as I started the 45 minute drive home the doubts gave birth to overwhelming emotion and brought me to tears.  I don't know about you, but when I get room for these thoughts to creep in, they creep in in a big way!  I spent the rest of the day angry at myself and dissatisfied with where I was at in life.  I tried to process my emotions a little, not quite sure how successful that was.  I mean sure I am a performer so there was a good portion of my feelings that were simply a desire to have the performer "rush", but the majority was more selfish.  I wanted applause, I wanted power, I wanted presence, I wanted people to wish they were me.

When I have cable tv I find myself addicted to the Dog Whisperer with Ceasar Milan. (Go with me here)  I soak up all his tricks and try earnestly to apply them to my pup.  One of the core tips that has greatly impacted my insecure dog is one he showed a few years back. He says for a dog that needs to feel empowered, encouraged, or shown a sense of security always stroke under his chin.  Not on top of his head.  This simple change in touch will cause the dog's head to tilt upwards and allows them to feel taller, confident, and connected to you.  Petting a dog on top of the head shows them your affection but also verbalizes an overpowering dominance, reiterating that they are low on the food chain, and is not the best way to approach a dog who is needing assuredness.  Waking up today this struck me.  No, not because I want to go around encouraging dogs but because I want to live a life encouraging people.   My mind suddenly shifted as I realized that the position I'm in (where my heartbeat is) is exactly where God has me right now.  He has me in a place where I can empower, encourage, and offer people to find a place for themselves.  A little stroke on the chin if you will.  My job allows me to network with local creatives and artists and build friendships and the ability to invest in a way that enhances their confidence in how God has designed them.  If tomorrow I was to quit my fantastic job and find myself performing on a stage it would only be in an effort to pat people on the head.  To say "look at me", "thank you for your applause", "thank you for temporarily making me feel good".  It has become apparent to me of why I am where I am, and why my talented friend is where she is.  (Besides Talent) Her heart is ready for it.  She has this uncanny ability to use her magnetic personality and position to empower people.  I know that the spotlight isn't about shining it on herself, it's about her being used as an arrow pointing to things of higher importance, such as our Creator.  And I'm more affirmed of why I am where I am.  God is using my personality to direct people back to him through close intimate relationships and encouragement through my unique position.

Today I'm thankful!  I'm thankful that God has put us in exactly the roles we need to be in, not only to love on others but to teach us in the process.  Maybe one day I will find myself in front of a crowd again, hopefully leading people to laughter, or maybe learning, whatever it is, I only want it if my hand is under the chin not on top of the head.

....Since I've been so humble (ha) can I do a little name dropping now?

I met Kathrine McCormick of SYTYCD at the tour!

1 comment:

  1. Rachel, I really appreciated your honesty in this post. I'm so glad God has given you so much talent especially creatively. You are awesome at what you do!