If you're like me, as you drift into sleep your thoughts run wild. Anywhere from recapping the days events to a memory of making play dough sculptures when you were five. So what was I thinking about tonight.... Honestly I was trying to count how many guys I have been on a date with. And truth is, I couldn't even come close to figuring it out. Every time I thought I'd have a good number nailed down another couple random dates would pop into my head and the list would continue. I wasn't tallying how many individual dates I have gone on, more of a count of each man (or some cases boy) I have been out with. Anywhere from years of dating to a one-and-only date. For some reason I have quite a lengthy list. I'm going to try and save myself in this explanation before I give the guys I work with anymore grounds for making fun of me. I don't like it. I don't like that I have a list of dates. I wish I didn't. And I don't want to keep adding.
Let's break it down a little. I've been through several phases in my 10 years of young adult dating. I've been on 'people pleaser' dates because I felt horrible saying "actually, I'm not interested.... at all!" I've been on 'I'm lonely as Hell' dates accepting an invitation because it beat sitting at home watching netflix and eating one too many scoops of peanut butter. I've been on 'pathetic dates' where I'm the pathetic one, knowing his interest was as small as a pea, yet some how I finagled a date out of him. I spent the entire date feeling as insecure as one can possibly feel! I've been on 'long distance dates', dating a guy that there was no hope in any sort of a realistic future because states separated us. I've been on 'why the hell are we still dating after 2 years of misery' dates, needless to say those lasted way too long. I've been on 'we have mutual friends on facebook' dates, I think that one's self explanitory. And who hasn't been on a 'there's no attraction here whatsoever so why am I going on a date' date.
If I break down my dating pattern I'd say most of it boils down to loneliness and selfishness. If I had gone on dates soley based on compatibility than I'd have been able to lay in my bed and count to 4 or 5 quite easily.
Dating had become confusing to me. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, and I wasn't sure what was supposed to be different when I found it. It was almost as if every date bled together, and became one massive ocean. Nothing felt special. And it wasn't even that I wasted physicality with guys, although that is a portion. It's more that I wasted conversation. I wasted time chasing after some interaction to fill a void inside of me. I wasted time trying to be something I'm not to someone I wanted approval from, or.... being something I was to someone I shouldn't.
These days I find myself in a place I haven't been in quite a while, if ever. Contentment with taking life intentionally slow in this department. Not that the door is shut on dating, quite the contrary, but in the past several months it's looked different to me. I've found value in friendship, I've seen the result of spending time in getting to know someone before allowing myself to emotionally jump headfirst. It's amazing how easily you can see red flags when you allow yourself time to watch for them. And it's amazing how you can see green flags and build trust when you allow yourself time to see them. It's been a beautiful thing to build solid friendships and allow them to evolve naturally into whatever category they should fit in. Here's a metaphoric example. My friend Joy is one of my best friends. The first time I met Joy I liked her. We probably went to coffee or something to hang out and get to know each other. But I doubt I drove home from that hangout deciding whether or not she would be my best friend, and I doubt we felt the pressure to make plans within the next 3 days to meet up again. No, Joy and I just naturally evolved into best friends. It started slow at first, hanging out every couple weeks, sharing more information with each other each time, picking up on each others humor a little more, until 4 months in I could successfully say, you know what I think you're one of my best friends. Why can't we look at dating the same way? Is that possible? I'm asking, so please feel free to comment if I haven't bored you to tears yet.
Ok that's all I got. Late night ramblings with yours truly.
If you read this, and you have thoughts other than 'she's weird', then comment :)
Rach
Since you used to be the girl who said "He's the one" about nearly every guy/boy I ever heard about, I'm glad to read this :) Even though I know you'd already gotten past that phase a long time ago. I have no advice. I could probably count all the people I've been on dates with if I tried... All I can say is "You'll know when you know" is not some b.s. thing people say--it's true. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteRachael, very eloquent! If people are honest with you, they will admit you have just described almost everyone's dating history. While we are all busy seeking that special someone, God is busy molding us into that ultimate someone. Rest easy in knowing that everything is unfolding exactly as it should and right on schedule.
ReplyDeleteI think it's a part of growing up and maturing. I've recently reached a similar conclusion although I still go on "dates" it's more of a hang out and get to know you scenario, especially because I do online dating. I approach it differently now though instead of just going and trying to evaluate his boyfriend potential I just go to meet someone knew and see what they are about. Basically seeing if we could be friends cause if I can't put them in the friend category they are never going to fit in the boyfriend category.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate these thoughts. I appreciate that you acknowledge the pattern of loneliness and selfishness that tends to amplify our insecurities. Oh to be satisfied with Christ in our singleness. To be confident in who we are instead of playing a game that damages us even when we don't recognize it. To not fear being alone, to not fear hoping and never having. I appreciate you and the way you are processing.
ReplyDeletedude, i was showing my friend hailey your designs from your house, she has very similar tastes as you and then i kept scrolling and saw this ol blog! i saw my name in it and i liked it...i mean i didnt read the rest of it but i saw my name and that was enough. narcissistic much? thats okay.:)
ReplyDelete